To Mourn, to Live, and to Love

Currently Listening to: Inspired Flight – Wonderwall Remix

It’s not so much that I’ve dealt with a lot of death in my life, to compare my life of privilege with someone who deals with death in a much more overt and consistent basis is unfair.  I’ve been blessed when it comes to dealing with death — my life’s been so shielded that the impact death has had on me is much more nuanced than what it had the potential to be.  I was young when my father died, and because I can’t remember what he looks like or what his voice sounds like, it means that I can’t be hurt by the memory of him.  I’ve never been close to relatives and their deaths barely impact me, and I’ve never had to deal with a close friend’s funeral.  But what death did this week… it ripped any semblance I have of an extended family and it put me in an emotional position where I had uncharacteristically exploded onto someone I truly care about.

What death did this week was kill an entire generation’s promise and hope.

I’m not the biggest Apple fan, I don’t use iTunes (my loyalty to Winamp knows no bounds), I’ve always preferred Cowan products, and I’m so comfortable with PC’s that I stick with them through their myriad of problems.  In fact the only Apple product I’ve ever used was a hand-me-down iPod after my Cowan of 5 years finally deteriorated past a point of no return.  But the products I’ve used all benefited from Apple’s call for competition.   Apple didn’t simply represent the future, with Jobs as a prophet, instead it is the company that pioneered it, with Jobs forging the light.  iTunes revolutionized the music industry, the iPod the way we listen to that revolution, and the MAC the way we securely obtain it.  What Jobs did wasn’t unite a bunch of tech geeks with the common man, he single-handedly put in a system of checks to balance out all major competitors.  Why else would we all have a touchscreen on our phones?  Why else would Windows 8 look so drastically different?  If the late 90′s/early 00′s represented the monopolization of Silicon Valley, the decade following marked a period of incredible competitive harmony.  Instead of relying on in-house developers (talented in their own right), Apple recognized the ingenuity of its consumer, and opened up an app market for third parties to innovate.  Innovate.  It’s the first word that comes to mind with Jobs, but what he did was so much more.  Balance. Connect.

Motivate.  Back in 2005, Jobs spoke at Stanford’s Commencement, and in it he focused on three themes. Connecting the Dots, Love and Loss, and Death.  This may be the most viewed speech in the last 6 hours, but I would have never seen it if Job’s hadn’t passed.  While my thoughts go out to Job’s family and friends tonight, his death lead me to his words of wisdom, and it’s what’s guiding me tonight. In essence, the three points talk about pursuing passion and are all interconnected, but I want to use them to analyze three different parts of my life.

Connecting the Dots – A lot of what I do at school I question.  I’m lucky enough to take classes I want to take, but not sure if I should take.  I always wonder if I should have majored in something else, or tried harder to work in another industry, but I’ve never had to question my passion.  While I’m not sure my passion extends to Jobs’ passion for his work, I know that what I want and what society wants me to be may not always be aligned.  This time of year is possibly one of the most troubled in any person’s career, a college senior has to look at the rest of his life and consider what he wants to do.  While I don’t know what my distinct passion will be, I know now that I must never settle and that if I find something I truly, passionately love that I have to stick with it.  One day, I’ll look back on this and say that my path was so clear , even though it’s so murky now

Love and Loss -  That I have to stick with it.  This is hard because I haven’t been in love in a long time.  This sucks for me to admit, but I fell in love with a girl who, quite simply, didn’t reciprocate.  I couldn’t wait to hear her voice again, I loved it when she texted, messaged, confided in me, and that she was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I remembered before falling asleep.  When she smiled, the room went bare and everything was okay.  I know that’s love.  That’s what I want, and I’ve lost because I can’t have that.  At least not yet.  This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen in love and it’s not going to be the last.  I can’t help but question what I’ll earn from this, all it gave me was a broken heart and an anger to boot.  Not to mention scores of burned bridges.  I mean just dozens up dozens of ruined crossings.  It’s hard, but I’ve got to move on, so I will.

Death – I will because I have to start living every day like it’s my last.  If God exists, he’s definitely sending me a message.  There’s been way too much death in my life these last couple of weeks.  Tomorrow marks the 17th anniversary of my father’s death, which I’d only remember if I followed my friend’s parent’s death, which was only exacerbated by my uncle’s death, which would only be nationally relevant/in the minds of otherws with Steve Jobs’ death.   Death. Just a lot of death.  And I could be next.  I’ve got to start focusing, finding what I want out of life and making sure I make the most of it.

Tomorrow is a new day.  In a lot of way, its marks the end.  I’m going to go visit my father and all I can hope is that if he were alive, he wouldn’t be too disappointed in me, but it’s a new day.  I’m moving on, more hungry, more foolish.  I’m stronger because of today, and I’m stronger because I mourn, and I live.

Simply, Roll Tide

Currently Listening to: Wild Beasts – End Come Too Soon

There’s a power to sports fandom; what we colloquially identify as bandwagon fan isn’t just half of some simple dichotomy measured through team success, but is, in all levels of significance, measured and separated by blood and pain.  We don’t hate bandwagon fans because they share our joy, we hate them because they forgo any measure of the hurt we feel, the blood and tears we spill.  I will forever bleed the Green and Gold, and when we win, I am the happiest man alive; when we lose, I am borderline suicidal.

Right now Tuscaloosa openly bleeds crimson.  Dear God, it openly bleeds.

Sometimes, sport becomes the only thing that seems real, and while I cannot personally attest to or even remotely emote the tragedy Tuscaloosa goes through right now; I have no doubt that nothing will become more tangible than sport.  It’s more than just an escape, but a vessel for the soul.  Where winning becomes a temporary nirvana of memories and joy that is undoubtedly as close to heaven as any person will get to before death.  The closest Crimson fans can get to their loved ones.

I am not a Nick Saban fan; not even close.  I just value loyalty too much for me to appreciate any aspect of him.  And while Alabama is great in more than just one sport; it truly is a one sport town, and that’s Saban’s sport, and for that, I support him wholeheartedly.  I am on the Crimson Bandwagon, not because I will simply cheer when they win, but because I know it will hurt even if they do.  That the facade of joy, while simply a facade, may be the best cure for Tuscaloosa next January.  It might be best that we not have professional Basketball or Football next year; I know I have something to support, something I can be truly invested in, something that, with all my might and heart, will cheer to success.

Roll Tide.

To Dream

Currently Listening to : Tyler, the Creator ft. Hodgy Beats – Sandwitches (Jimmy Fallon Live)

I had this dream last night.  Best dream ever.  I also have an exam in about 50 minutes, but this is a reminder to write about such dream when I am done.

To choose your own Awards.

Currently Listening: The Dean’s List – The People

This isn’t to say I disagree with the Oscar’s, but here’s what I would’ve chosen for the categories I care about the most.

Adapted SP: Sorkin

Original SP: Seidler

Directing: Fincher

Supporting (F): Rooney Mara

Supporting (M): Bale

Actor: Firth

Actress: Steinfield/Williams/Portman

Film: Social Network

To say Hailee Steinfield was supporting when her scenes took up more film than anyone else in TG is ridiculous.  Rooney Mara not being nominated after that first scene is ridiculous.  Fincher not winning for directing that scene is ridiculous.

Go on. Rage.

That “It’s a Great Day to Be Great, Baby”

Currently Listening to: Eminem – Lose Yourself

That’s from Greg Jennings, who exhibited a level of humbleness and genuine heart that can only be imagined (more on that later).

There’s something about being a sports fan; a true sports fan, and watching your team win.  I enjoy watching Manchester United play, I will always cheer for the Dodgers, the Clippers or Rockets or something are fun to watch, and I love it when the Ducks win, but I am not a TRUE fan of those teams.  I am a true Green Bay Fan.  I know it looks red, but when you look at it under a microscope, my blood cells are actually green and gold.  It may seem somewhat disingenuous from a kid who was born in Taiwan and grew up in LA, but I needed a team and I got attached early.  Brett Favre retiring was the most emotionally devastating day of my life, not during some petty break up/heart break, not at some funeral or some significant fight.  This is not only because his seemingly last throw would be an interception in the playoffs, but because he was the most significant hero of my life for the last 12 years.  This is a man that I not only no longer admire, but still hate with a fiery passion.

It was at that time, right when I was leaving for college, that I knew that I loved the team more than I loved the man; and that he couldn’t be replaced but that new heroes could inspire new dreams and fill new hopes.

We have a man who came so close, not once but twice, and searched for redemption five years after he signed with the Packers, 13 years after he won the Heisman and the National Championship… only to break his collarbone at the end of the first half, deflecting a pass that would’ve surely gone for a devastating touchdown.  He was so filled with concoction of emotions that I can only imagine to think of the words couldn’t come out when he had to address the team at half time.  That’s all anyone needs to move.  You CAN’T lose that game because you would NEVER forgive yourself.  That’s heart.  That’s a team.

We have a man who is so humble that he played-off not one, but two clutch catches on teammates, coaching, and fans.  Who also, despite his overarching, god-blessed, once in a lifetime talent and leadership, implied he was a second best receiver when he clearly isn’t.  Who does that?

We have a quarterback that was passed over time and time again, who knows only how to play the game one way, with fun and passion, who ignored the giant number-4-wearing monkey off his back despite the fact that the media would throw it on him over and over again after he shrugged it off (much like how he does tacklers), who saw his PERFECT passes dropped AT LEAST a half dozen times, and went back to the same targets because he had the faith and trust in his receivers.  Who made no mistakes in a game that was determined by less than a touchdown.

This was for when I had dumb-ass kids mock me at Milton cause Favre threw a dumb interception in overtime.  This was for when Favre retired.  When some bull-no-call took away a chance in OT last year.  For those haters that criticized a 3-3 team.  When they took that last knee, I just moved on.  I played some games, ate some food, and then accidentally locked myself out of my car when I went home.  It was okay, I wasn’t really thinking for about 3 hours.  But it really hit me when I was listening to the radio on my way back to school.  The Packers won the Superbowl.  They won the Superbowl.  I got teary-eyed and had to pull over on the 210 East because the Packers won the Superbowl.  We won the Superbowl.

This is my team, and this is my happiest moment, because I live and die with these guys. Nothing can change that.

Until, of course, next year.

To Be a Man

Currently Listening to: Kanye West – All of the Lights

I’ve been tumblr hunting and stumbled across one that made me smile; changed my own perspective on how I should approach life and so on.  But honestly I am not/was not THAT far from where I should be/want to be.  I’ll be vague for now, just so I can internalize everything and make sure it stays with me.

I am sore.  I have to do some Creative Writing.  I played golf for the first time in 3 years today; did not do well.  I fear for the Packers tomorrow…. err today.

To Congratulate Kev and Jenny.

Currently Listening to: Lupe Fiasco - The Show Goes On

It’s been a week.  A week ago, I was at Disneyland, after a weird drive of avoiding life-threatening car crashes and the like.  I’m going to play this like it is; remember what I remember and let everything else be bygones.  Forget effort; this is what I want to remember and will remember for as long as I can.

I remember Thursday.  Getting Korean BBQ, goofing around and eating more meat in 4 hours than I had in 2 weeks.  Hating LA traffic with Anna (this would be a trend on multiple drives through LA; I think I spent close to $160 on gas that weekend.  I remember beating Jon on a last second shot despite giving 18 points.  I don’t remember what team I was, I know he was a Bulls team of some sort.  I remember Vince eating AYCE KBBQ followed by Taco Truck and then Pies.

I remember Friday.  I remember going to In and Out before they were open and still having them serve me anyway.  Introducing Michelle to Neapolitan milkshakes.  Jon’s apartment looking more like a dorm room than my rooms have ever been.  I remember driving to downtown LA and almost killing Michelle… twice.  Juliana and Michelle gossiping like they were 16 while were stuck in traffic, and it being kind of funny and awesome.  I remember receiving phone calls about people falling down stairwells and going to the hospital (names I will withhold due to embarrassment).   I remember Matterhorn, Alice in Wonderland, It’s a Small World, Thunder Mountain, TURKEY LEG!, Pirates, Indiana Jones (my favorite), Buzz Lightyear, and then Space Mountain with some weird zombie thing and a 90 minute line.  Where there was more gossip and me contemplating leaving the line because my legs hurt.  I remember thinking it was awesome I didn’t leave.  I remember getting a vinylmation keychain, which I will always associate with this moment. I remember Michelle’s Disney Playlist and her singing while Juliana slept.  I remember arriving at Sin Ba La for Jason’s birthday, and it being awesome that about 20 TAF”ers were there.  I remember Papaya Milk and Shaved Ice.  I remember it being one of the best days of my life.

I remember Saturday.  Going to Porto’s with Alex, Jess, Sue Anna and Michelle.  I remember hating traffic and talking about TAF.  I remember losing my phone and having Sue Anna talk to Porto’s for fifteen minutes while it was just caught in the crevices of my vehicle.  I remember getting food with Chelsea and other TAF’ers.  I remember driving North because I was/am stupid and then heading South again.  I remember getting dressed and just being a bit uncomfortable.  I remember seeing Kev and the biggest smile ever.  I remember the ceremony, a gin and tonic, photobooths, dancing, fish, and good conversation.  I remember getting as, driving back at midnight and being at CMC and not taking a single step into my own room.  I remember being endlessly happy.

I remember Sunday.  Waking up before my alarm; leaving quietly as to not wake people and then heading back to San Marino. I remember showering at home before heading out to get Boiling Crab with Kev.  Biggest order ever.  I remember getting food, hanging out, and saying goodbye to Chicago peeps.  I remember watching football, Packers beating the Vikings, Dominion, another In and Out run, CChou’s fruit bouquet, and Princess and the Frog.  I remember being sad as I drove back to Claremont.

More than anything, I remember how much my friends mean to me, and I will always be blessed to have shared the moment with Kev and Jenny.  That is something I will never forget and never take for granted.

To Be and To Have Been

Currently Listening to: Kid Cudi – REVOFEV

Lil Wayne ft. Drake – Right Above It

Jay Sean ft. Nicki Minaj – 2012

Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West – Erase Me

Kanye West ft.Beyonce & Uncle Charlie Wilson – See Me Now

Novel ft. Joell Ortiz and Colin Munroe -Walking on Air

The Xiao Ding Dong’s are an incredibly mature group; it almost didn’t feel right to be my immature self;  You guys process internally more than I remember doing so in my junior high years.  There are things that just come with age (like the Asian in America and American in Asia thing..) and I feel like I had nothing to teach to you guys.  For the most part, small group was fun and easy for me as a counselor and I just loved hanging out with you guys.  You all are talented and energetic, I just loved observing.  It was just so worth it and rewarding.  I hope you learned as much from me as I learned from you guys!

Kevin – I just realized that I’m two for two when it comes to having  a “Kevin” in my small groups.  That’ s awesome on so many levels, the most important being that “Kevin” is obviously the most awesome name ever.  Seriously though, it was a blessing to have you in our small group this year; you definitely show maturity and intelligence beyond your years.  I didn’t have to say anything about you to your brother, we both know how great of a natural leader you are, leading by example by setting the correct tone whenever necessary.  You know when to have fun and when to crack down to be serious.  After two years, I can’t imagine being a counselor without you around, you just make our lives as counselors easier.  No doubt.  Plus, I like your taste in music… Stay cool, stay fly.  I’ll see you next year.

Josh - Dumplings, Chocolate Cake, Hamburgers, Onion Rings, Ice Cream, Bubble Tea, Fried Chicken, Spaghetti….   What’s up man?  I always forget you’re still so young cause you’re so tall!  But that doesn’t mean you’re not incredibly mature, and that you care for your family and friends as best you can; the size of your heart truly rivals your stature.  I’m looking back right now and I can’t tell what your passions are; what are things you want to do for yourself and what you’re truly interested in, but you’re still young and it doesn’t matter yet.  I know you’re going to be an amazing leader, because you carry so much strength in such a young soul.  It’s hard to describe: but you willingly put on this burden that no one’s asked of you and that’s incredibly adult; it’s something I’m immensely proud of.

Veronica – I honestly don’t know where to start.   For one,  I think high school will be a an amazing experience for you; you have the maturity and heart for it.  I admire your passion and emotion; and the courage to which you’re willing to explore and put it out.   You are an amazing girl; stay true to yourself, DON’T let others dictate your life and your decisions, you’re so much better and stronger than that.  I honestly believe that words can’t describe that light; it’s just stellar; never let it fade. I know I’ve been kind of iffy about helping you and everyone else, but call me if you have anything to talk about.  Don’t hold me to Skype dates or text messages; just find number and press call and I’ll answer/call you back if I miss it and we’ll just talk. 

Jessalyn - YOU CRAZY GIRL!  you’re just a blast to be around and to hang out with because you have great energy. There’s so much that you struggle to contain it!  That’s more than okay, I LOVE IT!  I just hope you got as much out of small group as you thought you should, it was kinda tough; I know.  Talking about certain things and having to sit and just think about it is difficult; even for the counselors, but its important and I certainly hope you saw what the staff and what John D was trying to convey.  I’m pretty sure you got something from TAF beyond the games; you do have an understanding of when the counselors and staff are trying to convey something difficult.  It was awesome having you in small group and I can’t wait to hang out with you again.

Melissa – YAY! I’m glad you got to come back this year and have fun!  Coming back after being gone for awhile could be really hard but you settled in really really well! At first, I was really afraid because you were so quiet!  But it didn’t take long for most of that to change.   Sometimes it was hard to see or figure out what you were thinking about, but whenever you spoke it was with clarity and purpose.  You’re never afraid to ask questions and that’s awesome.  I hope you learned from me as much as I learned from you this summer… I really look forward to hanging out with you some more and seeing you come back next year.  You’re awesome!

Angela – I have one really lasting memory of you, when you talked about your family; it was really touching because I could see just how much you truly loved and cared for them.  It can be hard sometimes; I know it.. I think everyone does, but your passion and love for your family and your friends is unreal.  I know you were looking for more from me and I’m really sorry I couldn’t give it to you.  This year was hard for me and I wasn’t focused and I couldn’t keep the small group focused for discussion that maybe other small group advisers could have.  Youth will suit you well because you have the mind for more complex discussions; but while I think you share a lot; I think you hesitate to what extent you’re willing to share.  Don’t be afraid to just let it loose, you’re an amazing girl with an amazing insight on life and I really want to hear you speak your mind and heart.

To Watch Mad Men

Currently Listening to: All City Chess Club – We Beamin’ (Remix)

I think I’ve used this title before, but this will be incredibly spoiler heavy.

There’s a certain level of insanity to Matt Weiner’s genius; it reaches a level where I can confidently say I miss not all, but most, devices and metaphors strewn across the near 60 episodes of Mad Men.

There’s a lot to discuss and it’s easier to make this into points so here goes:

1) I think the most obvious theme for season 4 is the redefinition of Don Draper, or more so; the discovery of Don Draper in accepting Dick Whitman back into his life.  He opens it to Faye (we can talk about the consequences about this later) and to his children and for the first time, we have voiceovers and look into the mind and depths of Don Draper.  It was self-destructive and ultimately; so as far as we can see, ended happily.  My question is this :  Is Don Draper truly comfortable with who he is or is he simply accepting welcoming new aspects of his life that were simply polar opposites of his former lives?

2) Anyone who says they saw the marriage proposal coming is lying; I mean the first sign was 10 minutes before when Megan failed to explode over the kids over the spilled milkshake, which the audience is groomed to expect from Betty Draper.  Still, with the trend in the past; Matt Weiner would plant this as a seed for further development; because we expect Don Draper to be more methodical; simply because he HAS to be; in fear of letting something from his past loose.  That’s why it continues to beg the aforementioned question:  Is Don Draper truly comfortable with himself, or is he so confused and insane and no longer has no rational behind his actions?  I think he’s confused or is so broken that he’s just given up.  My point being is that he chose Don Draper, and I mean the Don Draper of old; in marrying Betty 2.0, who knows nothing of his past; whereas his problems are rooted within Faye, so that he could’ve properly address them if he stayed with her.

3) There are two moments that are critically important in the development of Betty and Don: when Henry says “There is no fresh start, people just carry on” and when Don states to the ACA (?), “They don’t know it, they don’t want to die.”  Don is hopelessly clinging onto something, and I refuse to believe that he’s let it go.  There’s more to this, I just can’t articulate specifically what.

4) The parallels between Don Draper and Roger Sterling are startling.  Don looked down at Sterling for the latter marrying a secretary with the office; but here he does the same.

5) Matt Weiner planned this.  Faye isn’t done.  She’s too strong and too compelling.  She has to put up her shield again and it’s going to bite this time.  Joan and Peggy are also strong.  The development of their characters; coming from where they were to where they are now, as parallels to pioneering modern feminist strength is just awesome.  They have, for the most part, their shit together.  Sure they have skeletons, but they aren’t as confused as Don, nor do they have as many skeletons.

6)  I think the problem is that Megan is TOO perfect; and that there’s something wrong.  In a world with so many flaws, how can there be such an angel?  Maybe I’m having trouble processing this because I fell in love with Megan, because she really is perfect even though I know she can’t be that perfect.

There’s more to this;  I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Last season’s finale was more exciting; this year’s almost felt like a slap, but it is far more compelling.

To Say Something… Seriously

Currently Listening to : CRS – Don’t Stop

This song is fire.  Makes me love Chicago again;  that spell of hatred was short-lived.

This weekend was a good weekend.  I’ll start with Friday; I woke up at 10 and just started running errands, culminating in my AdBoard budget request; anyway I was walking from Fawcett up to Scripps when I think I saw “the girl with the smile”; I’m not sure though.  She was getting Challah, but there was that smile that made everything okay, so I’m pretty sure.  I didn’t say anything again because I am STUPID. So if you were getting Challah at CMC around noon on Friday, you have a pretty smile; don’t ever stop.   Then it was Dominion + Savoy Hainan Chicken Rice + More Dominion + Social Network.

Hochie, Jon, and I got a really late screening, like 10:45 and it ended really late.  I mean, David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin?  There’s no reason why this shouldn’t be an early Oscar nom.  I think this movie is BETTER than “Up in the Air” which was obviously deserving of its nomination.  I was listening to stories of Mark Zuckerberg, guest appearances and so forth; apparently the portrayal in the movie was pretty accurate to his actual behavior.  There’s some psycho-analysis that should go on here, I’m just not sure what.

Saturday was also eventful.  More Dominion, College football, baseball, just hanging out before heading out to Los Feliz for some BURRITOS.  There’s a taco truck on Vermont and Fifth that’s just SCRUMPTIOUS.  I got the lengua burrito with apple soda and some Pastor tacos.  They hand make their flour tortillas.  Their burritos have AVOCADO, beans, onions, and rice in ‘em.  They are SO GOOD, and their Pastor is served like a shawarma rotisserie and the tacos are touched off with a bit of pineapple.  It’s clearly their specialty and DELICIOUS.  CHECK IT OUT

Sunday was football day, where I was sad for the first time in awhile.  Packers lost in OT, Rodgers has a concussion.  I mean I’m going to stop there before I say too much and have urges to jump off the building.  Then it was TASA event for 10/10, it was pretty cool; got to catch up with people and that was chill… more football, some work, some video games, and then a BCD Tofu House run with some pretty fly people.  Now I’m blogging.